zoey's

Dear you

2012-01-31T21:26:00.002+08:00

Since we can't talk, I'll tell you here.

You can stop being paranoid. Because I am not looking for another relationship. I have no right to after all. Anyone I have my eyes on is out of my league. Everyone and anyone. I'm just not good, like I don't deserve anything for now okay? So stop questioning me about absurb relationships. It's not happening.

And I'm telling you here that you can move on. You may move on. You don't have to feel sorry for me (do you?). You can go on and open your heart and love. Anyone is probably a better lover than me. Maybe they won't lie as much as me, maybe you'll like their voice more, maybe they don't remind you of your school slut, maybe you don't have to be so turned off by them. So I'm not holding you back. Not anymore.

I know you have someone special right now, why don't you chase that someone special instead of clinging onto meaningless heartache? I'll all be better when We fade.

CNY

2012-01-27T23:49:00.002+08:00

My new year's been cute.

Don't let me down

2012-01-09T19:30:00.002+08:00

People let me down all the time. I let people down all the time too. I am human, and I understand that you are all human too. Not trying to say that I'm anything special and you should do anything in your power to keep your words. I know I'm not perfect, I bitch about people, I'm dumb at times, I may be mean to you or maybe you just cannot stand my face. I don't know. But that doesn't mean you can take the words that you give to me as nothing right? Right?

And there's a limit right? I mean, we can all tolerate, but we all have a limit to that. If you can't keep your promises, don't make them. If you can't, just don't. Don't. It's okay if it's once, or twice. But please, if I remember your words to me, you're probably someone who mean something to me. I'm not asking you to be perfect for me,

I'm just asking you to try. To try and remember me, to try to keep your words. Please.

New year resolutions 2011/2012

2011-12-30T15:06:00.002+08:00

During 2010, I made a few resolutions for this year.

1) Get over Cedric.

2) Earn my own allowance.

3) To get a tattoo and at least one more piercing anywhere.
simply cos i don't want to die without scars.

4) To be a much much better person.

So how well did I do? I get over Cedric, got a tattoo and one more piercing. I still don't earn my own allowance and the part about being a better person? Haha, not for me to say. So, it's time to make a new set for new year resolutions for this year!

1) To be single for the entire year.

Not so hard right?

2) To become fitter and leaner.

Like I was. Sigggggh!

3) To be less gullible.

I don't know how that's going to happen but hopefully it does!

4) Again, to be a better person.

Advanced happy new year to all of you! With new year comes new hope, happiness, new everything. So don't cling on to past bitterness and start a new!

xoxoxoxoxo

ode to 2011

2011-12-20T19:31:00.007+08:00

Not in any particular order.

wow, another year

2011-12-10T10:59:00.000+08:00

I wonder what's in store for me next year.

Story of us

2011-12-01T20:16:00.004+08:00

How do I start? Let's start from the top. Literally. His translucent brown eyes seem like the epitome of beautiful. I love the way they’re cushioned by thick lashes and I like the way the black streaks show in the sunlight.

I like the way they follow me whenever he walks past my class. The way he looks through the transparent panel every day. And subsequently, I like the way they’re on me. On my face, on my body, on my anywhere.

I remember our first date. We watched a horror show and we took turns to hide in each other’s shoulders. I took your hand and you took me in your arms. On the escalator. Remember us? We were the cutest couple around.

After that day, I can’t wait. I was restless. I wanted to jump into your arms the minute break starts, and I didn’t want to leave till the last second. We were too crazy in love.

Then my birthday. Remember the pictures we took? The pictures of you and me. I remember the way you looked. And also the way you looked at me. I was the happiest girl around. And you are the luckiest boy.

Then holidays. The walks in the park, the breakfasts at Mac, the ice creams and bubble teas. Do you remember too? Do you remember that afternoon at cold stone too? Do you remember we shared hot chocolate in Starbucks? We sat outside because you were feeling cold. We sat under the ceiling fan.

School started and soon, things turned ugly. From blackmailing to hitting. I gave you chances. I really did. I wanted to forgive you. I wanted with all my heart to. You just had to stop being reckless. But you didn’t stop. I forgive you anyway. Because I fell in love with you. Because you were my little boy.

Of course, we fell apart. There was no point holding on anyway. We were too broken and damned. We were both too tired and too hurt.

Thank you for all the great times. Those were probably the sweetest time of my life. Thank you for holding me in your arms when I cried. And thank you for warming my heart on cold nights. Even if it was for a little while, thank you for lighting up my entire world. Thank you for the meals together, the times you took my hand and told me it’ll be okay, thank you for everything.

I love you, too.

And in another life I would be your girl
We keep all our promises, be us against the world
And in other life I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away

This isn't over

2011-11-30T12:54:00.000+08:00

I thought we could have a peaceful ending.

November '11

2011-11-19T15:18:00.002+08:00

This is probably the most eventful month of my entire life. Sorry for the lack of updates, because I don't quite know how to give you bits and pieces of my life. Sorry for the vague update even when I update (which is now) because there's so many things that are too personal to reveal.

If we both knew that it'll end up this ugly, we both would have stayed out of it all. But we never knew. So we brought all this physical and emotional pain upon ourselves. Although I know I lied, probably as much as you did too, I still think I have a right to say that I don't deserve all the hurt you gave to me. All the pain you caused me. I am not going to say that I don't deserve you, but we don't deserve each other. Haha, perhaps we were never meant to be anyway.

Looking back on the days where we thought eternity was an effortless step away, I really feel like it is just a simple step away even till now, the sweetness and happiness of the past leaves a bitter taste and ugly stain. To bad eternity outlived 'us'. We will never be possible again, I know that clearly.

So after a full month of dragging, it is finally and officially over, I hereby declare myself completely and utterly free of disgusting emotionally draining and sticky relationships. Now couples genuinely disgusts me, especially those freshly in love. I think this is pure jealousy and it is totally unfair to fresh couples in love, but please fuck off from my sight till time washes away all my disgust, thanks very much. If not I'll literally suck out all your happiness with a motherfucking straw.

This post is prolly a major understatement of what had happened in the past month as I didn't really tell you anything much, but this month is a darkest chapter so far. And it's time to close this chapter. With that, to the better future.

Longest month

2011-11-11T21:56:00.002+08:00

This is probably the longest month of my life. I see who they really are now, some of the people around me. And you were right, I was blind as fuck. I only thought I knew what I was doing. Now only a fuckload of regret remain. And turning tables.

It was the biggest mistake of my 17 years. I hope I don't make any bigger ones. It'll be really fucking dumb. Everything was a lie. Till now. It's all lies and lies and lies. Where is the sincerity and where is the old you. Stranger in your place. Weird.

Blurb

2011-10-31T21:36:00.007+08:00

I don't know how to explain this, but I've always been fascinated by Geisha. In case you don't know what is a Geisha, it is a literal translation from Japanese for the word 'artist'. Geisha are entertainers.

They start off an apprentice, a Maiko (dance child) and make their debut when they are, well good enough to. During apprentice periods, they learn things like dancing, playing music, serving and entertaining. And they learn it in an actual school. After which, she will attach herself to a Geisha, acting as her 'mentor', who will bring her around and let her observe while at work.

Geisha usually wears elaborate kimonos with like dip necks, okay which is a traditional erotic area. But they scoop at the back. It's the same way westerners show legs. The lower the dip, the more 'leg' they are showing. And as they have their faces painted white, designs are also made at the the back of their necks with the white paint. A Geisha don't usually wash their hair as they have elaborate hairdos.

Anyway, there are misconceptions of Geisha. They are mistaken for prostitutes. They entertain guys, BUT they are skilled in dance, music and arts. Futhermore, a Geisha do not involve in paid sex. Geisha is a dying culture.

If I had the chance, I'd like to experience one day of being a Geisha.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Geisha

Im sorry

2011-10-29T23:00:00.000+08:00

So as I write this letter and shed my last tear

Know it's all for the better that we end this here

Let's close this chapter, say one last prayer

But don't say that you loved me

Another month

2011-10-27T23:03:00.003+08:00

Stating with a chio picture of me. HAHAOKIKNOW

Pro nose diggers

Messed around in booklink

One with Leticia

And one with fave babe in class <3

I just realized that another month had drifted by rather meaninglessly. Well, at least today was better that other mundane, boring school day. Today, we had our 'class' in Vivo City. Pictures did the talking, basically just messed around and took fuckloads of photos. Sign, can I have a rational and deductive explanation from anyone as for why do I feel so terrible all the time? Haha, maybe Im dying.

Till next time. x

Unsaid and Overdue apologies

2011-10-25T12:49:00.002+08:00

Sorry I've let you down

Sorry I didn't wait

Sorry I let you go

Sorry I left

Sorry I am not beautiful

Sorry I didn't try hard

Sorry I gave up on us

Sorry I'm not perfect as you are

Sorry I walked away

Sorry I was afraid

Sorry I hid

Sorry I bothered you

Sorry I though you would care

Sorry I didn't hold on tight

Sorry I didn't fix you

Sorry I can't clean up the mess she left

Sorry I gave up on you

Sorry I needed a break

Sorry I failed, sorry we failed

haha fuck off k haters.

Recently

2011-10-25T08:30:00.002+08:00

I've became a zombie.

Recently

2011-10-21T22:08:00.003+08:00

I've began to feel so numb, like a zombie. Nothing much to anticipate, nothing much to fall onto any more. Drifting through nights with light sleeps, it's like I know I'm sleeping and I'm going to wake up any time. Waking up restless, it's like there's something wrong about me.

School's bearable, there's amazing friends to get me through the drag. Being at home is the real bitch. My mom recently got hooked on nagging, apparently, it is quite addictive. Life now just feels like an endless drag. Dragging and dragging and dragging. While I'm just drifting past everything that I'm supposed to do. I feel lost.

Breakaway.

2011-10-14T14:35:00.003+08:00

Who says break ups are easy? Who says that the memories won't haunt you? Who says that you won't get unwanted flashbacks that'll make you cry? Who says that I won't miss running into your strong arms, that I won't miss burying my face in your chest? Who says that you'll be the only one hurting.

Letting go isn't easy. But sometimes, it's for the better. So someone, please give me the courage to leave you, to make those good memories seem insignificant to me, long enough for me to make a rational decision. I don't want to be with you any more. It's emotionally draining. What more do I have to say? We both know we love each other, but who says that love is enough?

Looking back at the 4 months we spent together, our happy memories got fewer and fewer. But every single memory still counts. If we are disintegrating, let us die. Don't save us. Because I know, I really know, that you can't do it without me. And we both tried, didn't we? We tried really hard. But we cannot work.

I might be the one who's too overly sensitive, but every time you do something I hate, I feel the same old heartbreak. Little by little, my heart died. And we'll seem like strangers. Strangers who once knew each other's desires, fears and dreams. We'll pass by the hallway without saying a word to each other, seeing right through each other.

And when we look back, we'll just be like a dream. So I guess, this is goodbye.

50 random stuff

2011-10-05T12:58:00.005+08:00

1. The last person I held hands with is Asyraf
2. Im not shy, Im loud.
3. I look forward to seeing Leona ):
4. Im easy to get along with unless you're really ugly
5. I've never given up on someone, then went back to him again
6. If I were drunk, Asyraf will take care of me
7. I will still be in a relationship two months later
8. Talking about sex does not make me uncomfortable
9. I miss my mom
10. The last person I had a really nice and deep conver with is probably Jeryl
11. My most recent text says "bay wht class again?"
12. I feel that abortion is painful but evil
13. I don't like big crowds of people
14. I believe in luck but maybe not miracle
15. Nothing good happened to me ):
16. I would kiss the last person I kissed. Again and again!
17. I think there is life on other planets. maybe not aliens but life.
18. I still talk about my first crush well, sometimes.
19. I don't like bubble baths
20. I don't like my neighbors cos they are really noisy
21. My bad habit is nail biting
22. I'd loove to go to India
23. I do not have any trust issues (:
24. The favourtie part of my daily routine is meeting boy <3
25. Im most uncomfortable with my butt on my body
26. I check my phone first thing when I wake up
27. I love my skin the colour it is
28. Im most comfortable around my sister
29. No exs told me they regret breaking up
30. I want to marry Asyraf.
31. My hair is still long enough for a ponytail
32. I'd have a threesome with my teddy bear. HAHA OK IDK.
33. I just spelled my name with my chin
34. I used to play softball
35. I'd rather live with TV cos it's entertaining
36. I've liked someone but never told him before
37. I laugh when there's an awkward silence
38. Age matters a lot in relationships
39. I like shopping at places with cheap stuff
40. I want to open a cafe after graduation
41. I think not everyone deserves a second chance
42. If im extremely quite, Im prolly asleep or mad
43. I smile at strangers who seem friendly
44. I'd rather to have a trip to the bottom of the ocean than outer space
45. I want Zolene as my roomie
46. Im paranoid about getting pregnant when my period don't come
47. The meanest someone said to me is that Im fat. Shallow, I know.
48. The nicest thing is that I am precious (':
49. I'd like to learn French
50. I do lots of thing I don't want people to find out.

Breathe

2011-09-30T10:43:00.002+08:00

Sometimes when I feel that life is too overwhelming and all the emotion stirring in my head is confusing how I really feel, all I really have to do is dive into the water and stay down there. In the water is where I feel totally safe. No sounds, no distractions, only you and all the water surrounding you and your thoughts, and total peace. That is when I can relax. Water clears my head.

I love water, no matter in what form it comes in. Be it rain, tears, or just water from the tap or in the swimming pool, I love them all. Water soothes me and water is so essential to me. What about you? What non living thing is essential to you?

Since Im Bored

2011-09-23T12:42:00.003+08:00

About yesterday.

Yesterday was supposed to be class chalet and I was supposed to meet Leona at Novena. But it turned out that nobody much was at the class chalet so we bailed, met Fatin and went to eat Ramen.

No proper pictures cos I brought my camera but not the SD card. Lol, dumbass ikr. Then we went to forever 21 at Ion, to eat at Popeye's and I went home. Spent lotsa money on food and Loena made me get this pair of f21 earrings. Was a good day (:

Guys who

2011-09-20T19:26:00.002+08:00

Guys who knows little details about you not because you emphasize it all the time, but because they bother paying attention to all the little things you do.

Guys who are matured and thinks on your behalf, and you know you can always trust and rely on him whenever there's a problem.

Guys who makes you happy with witty comments and jokes, who makes you smile effortlessly.

Guys who know the limits and the line between anger and humor.

Guys who holds you when you cry and tell you everything's going to be just fine all the time.

Guys who are like my boy.

Trust

2011-09-12T12:27:00.002+08:00

Trust is difficult to earn. But it's far more easy to stop trusting someone. Anything a person do can make you stop trusting them. And when you stop trusting someone, you never really completely trust that particular person again. Because trust is like a mirror. Once it's been broken, you'll never look the same again.

There's some people you just refuse to trust. No matter how convincing the person's argument is, no matter how long you've know the person for, how nice they are to you and all the good things they do for you, there are some people you just feel uncomfortable trusting.

Likewise, there are people who'd you trust regardless.

Unless that person mean something to you, and you'd forgive that someone even if they don't deserve it, just because you want to believe in the best in them. Even if they've done you wrong, you'll still go out of your way to believe them again. Simply because you want to.

I trust you. You know I'll always trust you. You may use it against me, you may abuse my trust, you may hurt me. but I'll still trust you, because I so badly want to. It may be incredibly stupid of me, but I trust you.

And most of all, being trusted is a great compliment.

'Love all, trust a few.'

BabyCat

2011-09-09T18:55:00.003+08:00

Look at what boy made for me! <3

p/s: tomorrow's our second monthsary, so im saving everything up for tomorrow to say hehe.

Here you go.

2011-09-05T22:09:00.000+08:00

I bet you didn’t know. I cried myself to sleep every single fucking night when I and Cedric broke up for a month. Every day was a fucking show. I had the same fucking masquerade on and I didn’t once cry in class. Just that once when Mr Su came and rubbed it in my face. Yea, I fucking did. That once.

And everything reminded me of him. Doing math, walking home, playing piano, every single fucking thing I did reminded me of him. Even my fucking blog and diary entrees.

And I told none of my family. Because they didn’t know anyfuckingthing. It was so painful. Like watching your favourite ice cream melt in the fucking sun in front of your own eyes cos your fucking mom doesn’t like the flavor. So he melted and evaporated. The rain came and washed the stain away. It’s like he never existed.

And you came along. I thought you could save me. But boys always disappoint, don’t they? I should know better than to lay my raw emotions on you.

Why did you break my heart like he did?

Holiday!

2011-08-29T21:17:00.002+08:00

So have you thought of what will happen if you die? I have, there's a few possibilities (considering the fact that I do not believe in any gods or whatsoever). If you believe in god, the only possibility for you when you die is you either go to heaven or hell. Depending on which god you believe in. If it's the Christian god then you'll prolly go to heaven. The rest, I don't know.

For me, I'd like to think that when you die, you just die. Like fade into nothingness. Your soul dies with you, in other words. It's like sleeping forever and ever.

Also, there's this thought of reincarnation. Okay I'd only like that if i actually reincarnate into a mermaid. But after all the things I've done? I'll prolly reincarnate into a pile of shit. So no, thanks to reincarnation.

There's this possibility which makes me restless when I think of it all the time. What if your body dies, and your soul remains trapped in your body forever? So you'll be conscious of your surroundings, of all the rotting and decomposing, but you can't do a thing, you can't move a finger. You can just lay there. Being bored and bored and bored forever.

Okay one last possibility. That your body will die and your soul will survive. Then all you'll ever be is a restless wondering hungry ghost. Okay that really sucks.

Haha, just rest in peace. Bye.

UT week

2011-08-25T08:21:00.002+08:00

This week is crawling by so slowly. Only done with Cognitive, OB and Science. Today's communication and tomorrow's math.Going out with Leona on Sunday is the only thing to look forward to this week. And seeing boy every morning. Sigh.

RPYR1SEM1

2011-08-15T21:08:00.002+08:00

To be honest, I don't really like my class. I've been in the class for 15 weeks. Long enough to judge. I believe many people in my class don't like me as well. I don't bother pretending to like them. So yea, I guess that's it. The only person I'm going to miss is Leona. Haha, i sincerely hope that my next class will be better.

And I won't miss those I'm in the same class with. I'll miss the guys from all the surrounding classes. I feel more comfortable right there. So here's to the inter-class friendship made! I'll miss being next to/opposite you guys (:

Mindy Gledhill - Hourglass

2011-08-13T18:17:00.001+08:00

Little boy, when you speak
I can't help but kiss your cheeks
I love the way you grab my hands
And tell me all about your plans
Rocket high, comets fly
You and I could take a ride
And fly away to Neverland
And give our best to Peter Pan
When you reach for the stars
Don't forget who you are
And please don't turn around and grow up way too fast
See the sand in my grasp
From the first to the last
Every grain becomes a memory of the past
Oh, life's an hourglass
Life's an hourglass
Story's read, prayer is said
Close your eyes sleepyhead
While angels linger in your dreams
And hold you in their feathered wings
Just like you, I was small
Not that long ago at all
I wish you all the happiness
That God gives freely if you ask
When you reach for the stars
Don't forget who you are
And please don't turn around and grow up way too fast
See the sand in my grasp
From the first to the last
Every grain becomes a memory of the past
Oh, life's an hourglass
Life's an hourglass
Life's an hourglass

Today

2011-08-10T23:17:00.006+08:00

It feels like I've turned seventeen in the blink of an eye. This year's birthday celebration was special. I didn't throw an epic party, inviting more people than my house's capacity, I didn't book a hotel, a barbecue pit, a function room. It wasn't a great deal with showers of gifts but it was the best birthday I had in some time. It was just like a friend's gathering, a nice dinner, some catching up. With friends who mean something to me and those that I really cherish. Thanks Lara, Michelle, Liping, Dan, and more importantly the two significant(est) people in my life, Asyraf and Aqilah. Thank you all for making my 17th birthday such a memorable one.

Today was also formal presentation. It makes me sad to think that my time with the class is numbered. Within the 15 weeks I've been in w47c, I grew close to some people, made some enemies, gained some haters. It's been a rocky first 15 weeks of poly, it's a pleasure to meet so many people that I never thought I would meet. Most of all, I met Asyraf. Yea, he's from next class, not my class. But knowing him is such a pleasure. And of course, Leona (:

And unknowingly, it's been a month with my precious. I know, it's been a rocky month. Lots of settling down and getting used to each other. But I believe that we can last (: Nothing good ever comes easy right? All we have to do is stay strong and outlove our quarrels. You asked me why I picked you. Remember, I picked you for all the reasons you picked me. Whenever you're insecure, please please please remember that our love is not only strong, but it is also very mutual. To eternity.

Reasons why I won't give up

2011-07-30T01:23:00.003+08:00

1. I love you too much

2. I can’t imagine you with anyone that’s not me

3. It feels right with you

4. Our feelings are mutual

5. Those eyes

6. The promise we made on the bus just now

7. Your fingers interlaced with mine

8. We both know eventually

9. It’s torture to be away from you

10. You love me

don't give up on us

2011-07-30T01:13:00.002+08:00

Today

2011-07-23T22:36:00.001+08:00

What a day. Met the boy early morn, went to East Coast Park, found out that it was West Coast Park instead. Dropped at Bugis for food and met Aqilah and Zaki at West Coast when we finally got there. Waited for mcvalue lunch at some shelter, I swear, they are so cute.

After lunch, went to rent carts. Aqilah only one banging into poles and running over her own feet. Returned carts, rented rollerblades. I fell once on my back and bag. Haha the fall was kinda comfortable. Scraped my elbow slightly though. Aqilah fell once as well. Slide across the floor. Uninjured. Lucky much? Zaki fell countless times. My boy didn’t fall, (so clever) and Faiz was good so he didn’t as well.

Tiring.

Rain

2011-07-22T01:08:00.002+08:00

Since young, I've always loved the rain. I've learnt to like the sound of thunder and the gray heavy clouds drifting across the horizon lethargically, threatening to fall. I don't know why I like the rain, but I find those who fear rain pretentious. Unless you are ultra-sensitive to rain, why should you dislike or fear rain?

Rain is just water. Water so essential for our survival, water so commonly seen and felt, is feared when presented in the form of rain. Isn’t that just ironic? Rain is just rain, cherish it. You never know, it may just stop raining on day, the sky may just cease to tear.

As I grew older, I found a reason to like rain. Rain cures pain. It’s like the sky shedding tears that you’ve never cried for you. It’s liquid pain from the sky. When you see the pain fall out and disappear bit by bit, you start to feel eased of your emotional labour. I like rain because it makes me happy.

Rain brings me nostalgia as well. Many memories in secondary school were made in the rain. Be it with Cedric, with schoolmates, with my siblings. I can still remember the tremble from the cold, the thrill of running in the rain, the glint in your eyes. Rain brings back memories. Good or bad, all precious.

Rain is so beautiful.

he sang as if he knew me

2011-07-16T00:23:00.002+08:00

will you chase me when i walk away?

will you give me your sweater when im cold?

will you catch me if i fall?

will you call back when i hang up on you?

will you kiss me when im angry?

will you assure me when im insecure?

will you carry these commitments, along with me?

i wish i have the faith and confidence

to say that i know you will.

but i don't know at all.

so will you?

Insecurities

2011-07-12T13:58:00.007+08:00

D R O W N I N G
I N
A
S T A T E
O F
I N S E C U R I T I E S ,
S U F F O C A T E D
B Y
D O U B T S ,
S O
I N T O X I C A T E D
B Y
Y O U R
L O V E .

You render me so breathless, you diminish the walls I've built. How did you make me so weak?

where'd you go?

2011-07-11T11:20:00.004+08:00

Why are you so insecure? Can't you understand that you are my best friend? You were, you are, you always will be, no matter the physical distance. Come on man, you don't remember what we've been though, you don't remember? If you don't fuck you.

But im sure you do. Remember all the dinners? All the bowling trips, all the fridays spent together, all the phone calls at night? The times when you were together with that bitch, when im together with Cedric. When we didn't have time for each other. The times when we had supper with Jeannine and Derick and all, the times at the jap restaurant at west mall.

Baby please, come back to me.

today

2011-07-10T01:01:00.004+08:00

Today is a special day. Because of a particular question a particular someone asked me which made me that particular someone's particular someone. Okay, to put it in short, I am attached. After nine months of singlehood. Tenth of july 2011.

I have some confessions to make. Okay I know this might be a little too late since we're already attaced now. Im sorry but you'll just have to shut up and read.

1. I tend to take things for granted.
So please me next to me all the time and constantly remind me how blessed I am to have you.

2. I get cranky.
I hate that about myself too. Please just hug me when I get cranky.

3. I don't know if I am totally over the past.
It's a huge confession to make, since I am already attached. He lingers like a bitter aftertaste of love. It fades. And I've got you now. That is the thing that really matters. You make forgetting him so easy.

4. I love wholeheartedly.
I don't know if this should be a confession. But when I love, I love wholeheartedly. No less.

So there you go, I give you my heart. Im sorry for holding back at first, Im sorry for not trusting you, for judging you. But you proved me wrong. I don't know how I even deserve you. You are so precious. Thank you for loving me, for waiting for me, for holding me tight. Thank you for not giving up and for asking me.

And most of all,
I love you.

are you ready?

2011-07-07T23:15:00.000+08:00

Because I am.

i love my siblings

2011-07-03T20:20:00.003+08:00

what a fancy thing to blog in school

2011-07-01T15:04:00.002+08:00

You push me
I don't have the strength to
Resist or control you
Take me down
Take me down

You hurt me
But do I deserve this?
You make me so nervous
Calm me down
Calm me down

[Chorus]
Wake you up
In the middle of the night to say
I will never walk away again
I'm never gonna leave this bed

So come here
And never leave this place
Perfection of your face
Slows me down
Slows me down

fall down
So fall down
I need you to trust me
Go easy, don't rush me
Help me out
Why don't you help me out ?

[Chorus]
Wake you up
In the middle of the night to say
I will never walk away again
I'm never gonna leave this bed

You say "Go, it isn't workin' "
And i say "No, it is perfect"
So I stay and stand
I'm never gonna leave this bed

Take it
Take it all
Take all that i have
I'll give it all away just to get you back

Fake it
Fake it all
Take what i can get

Knockin' so loud
Can't you hear me yell ?
I try to stay away, but you can't forget

Wake you up
In the middle of the night to say
I will never walk away again
I'm never gonna leave this bed

You say "Go, it isn't workin' "
And i say "No, it is perfect"
So I stay and stand
I'm never gonna leave this bed

Take it
Take it all
Take all that i have
Take it
Take it all
Take all that i have

Baby

2011-06-22T14:42:00.003+08:00

It hurts me to see you hurt, so stop hurting over him. Forget all the good times and remember that he played you. He betrayed you. He stole your heart, he broke it, he stepped on it. Baby don't hurt. Hold it against him. Work out the anger.

It hurts me to see you hurt, because i cannot fill up your gap. That spot where he used to be can never be filled up by me. I love you, you know that. To the core. But never the same way he loved. I sometimes hate myself as I cannot ease your pain, i cannot fill your gap. I feel so helpless when you speak of him.

Baby don't hurt.

he wasn't the one

2011-06-21T14:07:00.002+08:00

you see,

2011-06-21T11:10:00.004+08:00

we don't really need to be anything. you could just be the boy and i can be the girl. we can hold hands, cuddle and kiss under the sun. we can go out on a date, we can go some place every place nice together. it's not about the commitment. it's about the time. girls just want to have fun, right? im seventeen. you are not tying me down, im not tying you down. let's just have a relationship like Tom and Summer. We can have it like 500 days of summer. we can have an alternate ending.

so there's this boy

2011-06-20T23:05:00.000+08:00

the same boy. so sweet. he makes me so confused.

so there's this boy

2011-06-15T21:31:00.003+08:00

I think of all the time, my mind always drift to him, i get so awkward when he's looking at me, i feel shivers go down my spine.

So that's the boy, who i so intensely want to kiss, who i want to run so far away from, that i want to be held close to, yet i want to say away from.

And the same boy, so close to me, yet out of my reach, his free hand tempting me, teasing me, for my inability to be able to hold it.

I want to feel my skin against his, his breath on my forehead. He drives me crazy, he drives me crazy, i want to run and hide.

Here's for that boy.

I want to be your

2011-06-15T14:37:00.000+08:00

f a v o u r i t e o f f i c i a l g i r l < 3

so what

2011-06-14T14:21:00.003+08:00

If I
Commited a crime
Broke a law
Gave in to lust
Shamed my mom

It was never a mistake.
To me it never will be.

Convince me.

hello,

2011-06-11T00:18:00.002+08:00

it's been so long since I wrote a proper post. Since 19th of march. Sighhhhh, okay hello Cedric, im sorry but this part is about you. If you're reading this (prolly not) I habe done the following things: deleted you as a friend on fb, blocked you as well, unfollowed you on twitter, deleted all your direct messages to me, cleared my phone of evidence of you (finally).

Huge achevement for me. I still have our episode, the necklace you gave me, and all the shattered parts of my heart. It's all going to be fixed. I am going to fix it all (: I figured out I was happy before you and I will be happy too, after you. Sad for you. BYE.

Okay back to me. i was baking cheesecakes with Aqilah just now. I SWEAR CHEESECAKES TASTE NICER HOT FRESH FROM OVEN I PROMISE! hahahaha. Okay so holidays are almost over, i did a grand total of nothing except for spending money. Sunday's Vertical Marathon, wonder how it'll turn out to be like.

I miss Veronica like mad, seeing her on sun (thank god for that we need to bitch urgently). More understanding tests coming when school starts, utterly ill prepared. Not giving a flying fuck. Sorry. Good night all. x

P/s. Awal not in Sing to irritate/fight with me tonight *boring*

cheesecakes with Aqilah

2011-06-11T00:00:00.003+08:00

When Im old and wrinkled, i can look back and see how I once was so young and full of life (:

P/s: Dear babyqila, PLEASE get married, we can do so so so many things together! <3

if i died tomorrow

2011-05-31T20:00:00.001+08:00

what will happen?

pirates of the caribbean with Bryan

2011-05-30T13:12:00.000+08:00

flawlessness.

poly life

2011-05-09T21:40:00.003+08:00

okay my virgin poly life post. hahahaha poly life is fun. it's just so easy to adapt to. like fun people fun class fun presentations, FUNFUNFUN. it's just a hassle to think of what to wear every night. i like the pasarmalam in class after every break cos everyone will buy food and eat in class. i like out cramppy lift full of people squashing themselves in and smelling each other's breath. LOLJK i don't like that. but that's poly experience right. my first CCA session we learn to capsize in the kayak. COOL OR WHUT. hahahah i know. im so cool.

kay bye.

food @ korea

2011-05-01T23:43:00.001+08:00

dear mommy,

2011-04-28T10:09:00.001+08:00

if you hadn't do that,perhaps he'll still be calling back. perhaps he'll still bother. perhaps we belong to each other. but perhaps this never occured to you. mommy, thanks for taking it away from me. i feel terrible.

2011-04-19T21:43:00.001+08:00

update soon promise!

tumblrrrrrr

2011-03-28T17:01:00.001+08:00

Nutella Mug Cake

Ingredients

•4 tablespoons self rising flour
•4 tablespoons sugar
•1 egg
•3 tablespoons cocoa powder
•3 tablespoons Nutella
•3 tablespoons milk
•3 tablespoons olive or vegetable oil
Method

1.Combine all ingredients in a large coffee mug.
2.Whisk well with a fork until smooth.
3.Microwave on high for 1 1/2 – 3 minutes. (Time depends on microwave wattage. Mine took 1 /2 minutes.)
4.Top with whipped cream and a little chocolate sauce if desired.

2011-03-24T19:25:00.002+08:00

N O S T A L G I A

2011-03-20T23:38:00.002+08:00

Diary o3 19 2o11.
What's the significance of this day?

This day has no significance. It's just another 19 of march, another saturday. Normal day. Mundane. But one year ago's today, two year ago's today both tells a totally different story.

Two years ago's today was when he asked me that question over the phone. The beginning of a teenage love affair.

Sometimes, the memories make me smile. Other times, I cry. I smile when I feel strong. Like Im ready to get over the entire event. But today, I'll allow myself to mourn. To remember how I tried so hard to hold on to something that's dying. To rescue "Us". I'd let my heart ache over the things we'd never get to do, the tomorrows we'll never have. I'll walk down memory lane, slowly, slowly. It's been so long since I've thought of us properly.

So today I'll let myself think. About the future we've planned which revolves each other, and let myself feel lost when my constant is taken away. I'll let myself remember the feeling of being loved by you. We had so much future. So many things to do (go camping and count stars under the night sky) and so many places to go (India for our honeymoon). We had our own world to live in, our spot to go, our language, our connection. We had p u r e m a g i c . So Damn Many Memories. So how many times do I have to cry this hard again to get over this chapter of my life?

In the end, I was the one who let go. I gave up, you gave in. I mentioned the break. I guess I just couldn't do it anymore. We couldn't do it. Hearing an " I love you" became a privilege, and I am flattered when you ever make any time for me. We simply drifted. No, he drifted. I stayed. I hated myself at that point of time. Why do i still love him the same when he can let go so effortlessly? Why does he still have the power to make me cry? Why so restless at night?

So that little flaw suddenly amplified. We shattered. It was tragic, really. Cos I Loved him. To the very fucking core. I love the way he looks at me like Im the most delicate thing on earth, I love the way he held my hand, so tightly yet so tenderly, I love the way he taught me math with the patience of the capacity of an ocean. Ah, and good night messages from him. I remember the way he typed 6o page-long texts and sent them to be the day before he went to China for 2 months, so that I'll still have his love at the end of the day. And that night he took my hand for the first time ever. It all felt too right. Too right to end.

It ended anyway.

Can you remember my lullaby? The one you'd play for me all the time? It's a simple tune isn't it. But I hadn't heard anything more beautifully sweet. How I miss the sound of it...

Once again, im smiling.

Day 5

2011-03-20T16:43:00.001+08:00

my dreams. sometimes, i dream of you. and always know that it's a dream when i dream of you. cos i can only dream of you. you're no more reality.

Day 4

2011-03-19T22:40:00.002+08:00

my siblings are awesome. like normal siblings? sometimes you feel like killing them cos they're fucken annoying sometimes you thank om and dad for them? Oh anyways, i have one younger bro and one younger sis. Nigel and Zolene (:

out with family

2011-03-19T20:42:00.007+08:00

im sorry mommy daddy

2011-03-19T02:18:00.002+08:00

i really tried sleeping. but i close my eyes and memory after memory just floods back. what is wrong with me?

Day 3

2011-03-17T23:45:00.001+08:00

my parents
I wouldn't pick my parents to be my parents if i had a choice. Is that valid?

Day 2

2011-03-16T17:52:00.001+08:00

My crush. Is none other than myself. :3
okay seriously, i have got no crush. I mean, who is there to have a crush on? nobody i know is even hot. eww. sorry to turn you all off. TEEHEE

Dear 4E8'1o

2011-03-15T23:36:00.002+08:00

I don't even like the class. like we're good at nothing together. Literally. So why miss attending school? Miss classes in the lab, in the classroom, in the library. Miss squatting in bio class, miss sitting down in the parade ground, miss wearing old and new school uniform, miss doing work. Miss every one of you babys. YES BABYS. CANNOT?

i'll do it two at a time.

2011-03-15T18:59:00.003+08:00

See that beautiful girl in gray? she's my baby. My bestfriend for 4 years now. And she'll be my bridesmaid, her hubby will become my hubby's best friend, she'll be my kid's god mom, and our kids will grow up together. So we'll be BFFs. literally. She is the most precious friend i have in my entire life. She cry, i cry. She laugh, i laugh. No matter what, i'll stick with her till the very end of time. I LOVE YOU BABY GIRL.

#prayforjapan

2011-03-13T01:06:00.003+08:00

xoxo

2011-03-11T23:55:00.002+08:00

Dear whoever the crap who still reads this blog,

I just wanted to tell you, no, you. yes. you in particular. that you are in fact beautiful. i don't care if you know that i hate you. i don't care if you hate me. just read. i know. im bitchy, stupid and superficial. whatever. so are you. you could be arrogant, selfish, whinish, the same. but you know it. under all that flaws, you are beautiful. and perhaps without your flaws, you cannot be you. so what? people's going to hate you anyway. if you gossip, they say you backstab. no fucking point tryna please anyone. and even if you're perfect, they're going to hate you for being perfect. so just be you, you are enough. you are so beautiful.

love, Zoey.

tear

2011-03-08T20:04:00.001+08:00

pretending that my eye itch everytime i tear.

2011-03-07T19:23:00.001+08:00

crème de la crème

covet

2011-03-06T23:30:00.003+08:00

The cream coloured dress flatters my olive skin. Ruffles give an illusion of bust, the elastic belt an ilusion of waist. Stripped baby green and white socks to my calfs. Winter oh winter. And shoes... shoes are redundant. I crossed my legs daintly when I've settled into the empty bench. Now occupied by books.

I picked up the first novel and opened it to the middle. I pretended to read. My thoughts were on him. Vauge flashbacks haunting me. Keeping me restless in the day.

He, oh how can i describe him? He is of pure beauty. The very definition of beauty, the finest being I will ever come across. Yet his face is also bathed in darkness. And his velvet voice.. Smooth as silk. How i ache to remember the exact texture of it. Every bit of me yearned for him. The internal and eternal craving caused me to be so unsettled. So agitated. Unlike my usual composed self.

I had to see him. My hunger for him kept growing. And I knew exactly what to do.

Tonight when I sleep, I'll sleep forever.

i know, this is crappy.
but you can't blame me cos i only spent 2o mins on this!

hello eviler bitch.

2011-03-06T19:22:00.002+08:00

i hope a fucken spider crawls up your asshole and die inside there. oh wait. it shall not die. it shall crawl into all your insides and eat you up inside out and YOU will die. spider's innocent after all. i don't understand why such a ugly human (i.e you) should exist, i think god created all the rest of us so beautifully that he needs to put the accumulated ugliness somewhere and that's when he came out with you.

xoxo

2011-03-06T18:26:00.000+08:00

heavy.

2011-03-01T18:54:00.004+08:00

He kissed my lips I tasted your mouth
He pulled me in I was disgusted with myself
Cos when im with him I am thinking of you
What would you do if you were the one who was
Spending the night?

Bust through the door and take me away
No more mistakes cos in your eyes I'd like to
stay.

why is there still a heaviness in my heart dragging me down the emptiness of the space you used to occupy the sleepless restless nights trapped in my own head the taste of your lips on mine the way you told me you'd love me.. forever. the ember of our relationship such a bittersweet taste. so damn sweet, so damn sad. so damned.

sugar rush.

2011-03-01T18:21:00.004+08:00

^ glam queen.

class chalet

2011-02-28T17:07:00.002+08:00

Uneventful. But fun? Just lotsa laying around in bed and eating. Ever since the chalet i have been so restless. Don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. So unsettled. May just be the fact that my piano exam's coming. And i know that i'll fail. Just maybe. Sorry for the empty space ):

2011-02-28T17:05:00.003+08:00

All that I wanna be
Is through
With you
Be quiet
Let me leave
Let me go.

do you kiss and tell?

2011-02-27T00:09:00.000+08:00

make me seem like a slut?

2011-02-20T11:43:00.001+08:00

how dare you.

how to get out of the labyrinth of suffering

2011-02-17T11:22:00.002+08:00

i finally figured out.
you don't have to get out. there's no way you can exit. ctrl, alt, del. whatever. so my point is, you will have to suck it up till time lets you out.but i guess when time lets you out, you find yourself in another labyrinth. and it goes on forever.
in conclusion, if you do not want to suffer,
just die.

how's your day?

2011-02-15T10:18:00.002+08:00

So, how's your valentine's day? i spent mine with Gordon. It was fine (: went to Cine and met Serina and Charmaine. As usual, no pictures. i know. my blog's pretty boring. hehehehehe. going to collect the rest of my pay today. i'll be richhhh..er. since im poor now. xx

2011-02-14T14:58:00.001+08:00

So many nights I sit by my window
Waiting for someone to sing me his song
So many dreams I kept deep inside me
Alone in the dark but now
You've come along

You light up my life
You give me hope
To carry on
You light up my days
and fill my nights with song

Rollin' at sea, adrift on the water
Could it be finally I'm turning for home?
Finally, a chance to say hey,
I love You
Never again to be all alone

You light up my life
You give me hope
To carry on
You light up my days
and fill my nights with song

You light up my life
You give me hope
To carry on
You light up my days
and fill my nights with song

It can't be wrong
When it feels so right
'Cause You
You light up my life

V DAY

2011-02-14T11:08:00.000+08:00

letters to my dead boyfriend

2011-02-13T18:35:00.002+08:00

Dear Carl,

Why?
Why do you have to be in that car?
Wait for me, I'm coming for you.
I miss you so.

love,
Leah.

2 more working days.

2011-02-08T15:07:00.002+08:00

it sucks when something linger doesn't it? the ember of a past relationship, all the memories. speaking of memories, they're like wine right? bottled up. getting better with time. in time i will learn to cherish these memories but now? JUST GTFO. stop invading my brain night after night, even though there's not the ghost of any memories which i want to remember, the shadow is always lurking in the corners, threatening to come out. lol, dramatic much.

2011-01-21T20:44:00.000+08:00

save me from my emptiness.

love

2011-01-15T23:44:00.002+08:00

'Love Hurts'
Do you even know what's love? Love makes you feel like you own the whole world. Love makes you feel like you can fly. Love makes you feel invincible. it doesn't hurt. Rejection hurts. Loneliness hurts. Dissappointment. empty promises. Unfaithfullness. All the things that humans abuse love for. i don't know if anyone'll get what i mean. But love is pure. Now love is corrupted. With people cheating, etc. Love itself never hurt. It's not love that hurts. It's all just self-destruction.

looking for alaska

2011-01-10T10:38:00.004+08:00

" From a hundred miles an hour and to asleep in a nanosecond. I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase."

i just read this novel. not finish it but read it. cos Alaska died in the end, so i just stopped right in front of the part that she died. Zolene read it first and she told me. the book got made into a movie. i think it's quite meaningful, but i just couldn't bear to finish it. so if you have time, go watch the movie or something okay!

vexed

2011-01-07T23:59:00.003+08:00

i'll just go busy myself with mindfuck pictures. bye. hehehe

off to work!

2011-01-06T09:45:00.001+08:00

gosh, so long since i've updated.
and Manissa if you're reading this, the thing i got from Japan for you is still with me!

2010 in a nutshell

2010-12-31T20:17:00.002+08:00

relationship wise i broke up with Cedric, from our 18 months relationship. got to know Gordon, was with him officially for a pathetic 2 weeks? too bad we were not for each other. but no regrets cos he's reeeally nice!!

in terms of school, went to esplanade with band. came in first for girls' event for 1500m during sport's day. didn't go very well in math, english, chinese, biology, physics, social studies, literature and art. but got a decent b3 for chinese o levels.

friends wise, made some friends like Wing and Kenaniah. met them at a chalet. they're really cool. got to know loads of tuition friends muchmuch better. like Gordon (duh), Valerie and Sabrina, they're the cutest, i swear. Darius, and not to forget Min Ming baby. thanks all of you idiots! and my dearest new badge of sec ones in band. so many of you precious. oh and through Gordon i guess? i met Eleanor, Justin, etc.

too many regrets to list out, too many moments that i didn't capture. and so damn many that i cherish and i'd replay them again and again. overall, it's been an eventful year, many good and bads, ups and downs. i'll close this chapter. <3

31st december

2010-12-31T11:03:00.001+08:00

new year resolutions.

2010-12-30T21:18:00.003+08:00

first thing on my mind is to get over Cedric.
so when i look back at you while you're still (even slightly) in love with me, i'll just go like awwww, poor idiot. yea. that's for hurting me again and again and again. but good memories stay.

secondly, earn my own allowance.
meaning to say, not getting any money from my parents anymore. i spend whatever i earn. if that's even possible.

third. to get a tattoo and at least one more piercing anywhere.
simply cos i don't want to die without scars.

and most importantly, to be a much much better person. bitchiness and meaness still stays. i don't know how to be a better person with those qualities, but im not me if im not mean or bitchy~

Enrique Iglesias

2010-12-30T19:02:00.002+08:00

why.is.he.so.fucking.hot?

graduated

2010-12-29T01:13:00.002+08:00

i've officially graduated from camp.
it wasn't what i thought it would be, you know all emotional and all. it was just really quick and nothing to shed a tear about. so, yea. looking back at my past 4 years. wow. i've really gone through a lot with this band! went to genting and china with the band, made lots of memories <3 performed in esplanade's stage twice. wonderful experiences. and not to mention the numerious competitions, including syf, i've ben through with the band. it's been a very long time since i've said this sincerly, now im saying. YHHB, I LOVE YOU.

warning.

2010-12-26T20:04:00.003+08:00

if you are visiting tokyo,i have a responsibility, as your fellow singaporean, to warn you about something that is very crucial to your existance down there. THE TOILET PAPER IS DAMN HARD AND THIN. NAPKINS TOO. i swear. everytime i pee in japan, i have to use the capacity of toilet paper i use to shit in singapore. and when you use the napkin in restaurants to wipe your mouth or something right, it's like using toilet paper to wipe your face. damn rough. tsk. irritated.

imagine using this to wipe your face.

japan trip!

2010-12-23T22:23:00.016+08:00

artist drawing the scenery.

decided to skip most of the disney land pics but this is too cute!

ADULT MOVIES.

innocent poker cards.

bloody chopping board. eww.

Singapore, this is how you play candy dozer.

street dancers

super chio girls in kimino. /envy

adult magazines! HAHAHAHAHA

junk fooding on the boat im taking to mt fuji. kekekeke

us!

them!

McPORK. seriously.

i collect them cos they're facinating. LOL

mac's food straps. minature mac. damn cute!

look at the kimionish robe!

sweeeeeet!

entertainment- books and chocolates!

i can seriously eat airplane food for my entire life.

white wine on plane.

japan.

2010-12-15T20:15:00.001+08:00

sorry for the empty space, Japan had been amazing. the cool weather, extremely polite people and litter free environment. i can literally count the litter. the litter is so little. HAHAHA one line poem. LOL. and most of the time i\ll just pretend to know what they/re saying and smile back and bow at them. that/s all, pictures when im back!
p/s- i can/t find the ' sign. that was copied and pasted

off soon.

2010-12-13T19:20:00.000+08:00

to japan in a few hours.

2010-12-13T18:36:00.000+08:00